That's right, friends. We've moved from the biggest state in the continental United States to the fucking hottest city. Let me tell you about hot. Hot is 110 degrees outside--at MIDNIGHT. Hot is where you can't go for a jog outside while it's light outside or there's a 99% chance you'll get a heat stroke.
By now, you know I'm talking about Phoenix. You want a textbook example of urban sprawl? You want to know what hell probably feels like? You want to see some serious cacti? I still think Phoenix is a beautiful city. It really makes Los Angeles look like...well, Los Angeles.
So without further ado, here's the ad I put on the Phoenix Craigslist. You can see it below, too. Understand, too, that the various grammatical mistakes were done purposely for effect.
Getting Over Heartbreak By Starting Something New - 27
I just moved to Phoenix a couple months ago and I'm looking to meet new people. I just got out of a relationship. I moved to Phoenix to be with my husband, but since we weren't technically married, it didn't really work. He claimed I was a stalker, but I left him--so who's obsessed with who now, Paul? I hope you're reading this. And if you're not, that's totally fine (THOUGH I KNOW YOU ARE!!!). He was really more obsessed with me.
Who am I looking for? Just a laid back guy. I'm looking for a guy that will try anything, eat any kind of food, and be up for almost anything. I don't know Phoenix that well, but if you're the kind of guy that would want to take me to the botanical garden in the morning and then hit the outlets in Anthem in the afternoon. You lean to the left politically, because the left are a bunch of weenies that want the terrorists to take over our country and call it the United States of Iraq.
I'm a simple country girl. I tell people that even though I grew up in Los Angeles (haha). I'm a Cali girl. I work for a nonprofit that provides driving instruction for the seeing impaired (Fun Fact: the laws are tougher for blind drivers, but they can basically drive in the state of Arizona as long as there is a seeing person in the car over the age of 14 (this isn't allowed in CA; the seeing person has to be over 18)). I do some of the driving instruction and the accounting (just quickbooks stuff). I feel the Cosmos holds a better future for me, though. This is just temporary.
I have a lot of hobbies. Paul and I used to run together, and I like cooking, reading, and photography. Maybe you'll like those too. Paul doesn't, but Paul is a jerk. I hope you are not a jerk and know how to treat a girl like a queen. THAT"S RIGHT YOUR A JERK PAUL! I also have a sweet little poodle named Fungus. She's in the attached picture.
I can't wait to hear from you. Use your best pick-up line or I won't even respond (because if it's really good, I'll know you thought it out).
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